How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
