i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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