I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
