Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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