I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
