when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
