I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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