omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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