Tell her she can't have a vagina
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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