So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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