I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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