he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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