God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
