dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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