I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
