You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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