and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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