he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
