wrigley field is MILF paradise
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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