Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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