Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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