I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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