he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
