He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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