She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
