dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
