I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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