So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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