Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
