We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
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I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
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that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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