Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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