Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
