How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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