Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
