So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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