I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
