i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
