Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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