the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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