he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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