I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
