I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
