and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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