if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
