Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
