Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
