I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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