I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
