New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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