I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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