my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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