Are you dead
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Apple has a Lot to Explain to iPhone X Customers
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
People Asked The Internet Questions About their Private Parts And The Results Are Hilarious
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."