Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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