meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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