This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
